Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My ATM looks so different sober.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
