I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize