I just cut my nipple shaving
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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