Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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