At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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