You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
