shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
