my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
