I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
