My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
