the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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