What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
