Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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