When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
