That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
