Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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