Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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