I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
