The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
