I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
