im about as happy as oj after his trial
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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