In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
