I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
