Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
