3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
