wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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