My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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