Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
