I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
