You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
