well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
