Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We had sex on a dog bed..
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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