Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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