She is in my trunk
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
