I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This is classic penis vs brain.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
