How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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