i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
