I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Pants are for mortals
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
