I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
