lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
