Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
