i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
