dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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