Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
