I think I just saw someone hide a body.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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