Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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