I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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