is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
