Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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