So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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