Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
