Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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