Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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