my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
