He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
