I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize