I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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