I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
