Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
