Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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