I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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