You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
