Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
