Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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