and she was petting her beer can
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
